UFreak
October 27th, 2006, 10:45 AM
My History of Thanksgiving: a-hem...
Thanksgiving will soon be here. This is the day we get to eat certain foods we normally wouldn’t touch with a ten foot pole, including giblet gravy (made with turkey stomachs and turkey necks) and sweet potatoes covered with melted marshmallows. Naturally, as dinner approaches, fourteen guests will show up with their own version of a green bean casserole covered with canned onion rings. They will all taste exactly alike. And there’s nothing that wets my appetite more than watching that slimy cranberry relish ooze out of the can and waddle around on the serving dish, as it’s discarded from guest to guest. Inevitably, someone will bring zucchini bread, which is bread made with… zucchini! Zucchini bread is an excuse to use up the proliferation of the vegetable which, inevitably, all ripens on the same day. While there are very few actual recipes for the cucumber-like gourd, the idea of hiding zucchini in bread as a means to get rid of the useless veggie is sheer genius. It rates right up there with dumping left-over carrots into the cake mix. But I digress.
How did the Thanksgiving holiday, which is so much a part of American society, originate? Well, it began when a bunch of Pilgrims left England on the good ship Mayflower, in search of zucchini bread and the freedom to practice the religion of their choosing. The ocean crossing was brutal. The weather started getting rough and the tiny ship was tossed. If not for the courage of the fearless crew, the Mayflower would be lost. The ship set ground on Plymouth Rock, which at the time, was an uncharted desert isle. The Professor, Mary Ann, Ginger, Skipper and the rest of the sea-sick Pilgrims were all very thankful they survived the arduous journey, so they decided to have a big feast. In the fall of 1621 the Pilgrims invited approximately ninety Wampanoag Indians over for a grill-out. The friendly Indians asked “What can we bring?” and showed up with enough venison and water foul to last for a three day bar-b-que. In return for the Indians’ unselfish generosity, the Pilgrims cut down all the trees, butchered most the buffalo and created the very first solid-waste landfill. This area is now known as Massachusetts.
Many Indians brought cranberries to the celebration. Not to eat, mind you, but as a form of beaded jewelry. The Indians had been using cranberries for decoration ever since they discovered the fruit made a more attractive necklace than turkey necks. Obviously, the Pilgrims were not paying attention, because Americans have spent the last three hundred years attempting to make an edible paste out of the red berries. After the celebration dinner ended, everyone smoked a peace pipe, got really stoned and held hands as they sang “Kum-Ba-Yah” around the campfire. Then, the Pilgrims made a bunch of funny looking paper hats and the Indians traced their hands with crayons and made colorful pictures of turkeys.
The next day, the Pilgrims shot all the Indians, seized their land and burned a bunch of their own folks at the stake. It seems that practicing religious freedom in the New World was acceptable, provided that the religion was Christianity. God Bless America.
A few years later, realizing they needed to join forces to protect their new-found interests, a group of four prominent Colonists got together and decided to declare their independence from England. The four men knew each other very well, having played in a band called “T.J. and the Four Fathers” back in Liverpool. The wealthy farmer and band leader by the name of Thomas Jefferson took charge, invited many distinguished men to an assembly hall and had the very first Battle of the Bands. Tom was an inspiration to all who attended the assembly. “For God’s sake, Ben, would you stop flying your stupid kite and help write the Declaration of Independence!?? Geez, man! Do something constructive!” said Tom, and so began the Revolutionary War.
When King George read the Declaration of Independence and got word that the Pilgrims had invented pumpkin pie, he sent a bunch of crack British soldiers to wipe out the newly formed colonies. As the Redcoats approached the shore, Paul Revere bravely rode through the newly established settlements, waving a lantern and shouting “Hide your pies! Hide your pies!”
The Settlers then established the “Minuteman”. A lot of people think that the Minutemen were brave volunteers prepared to fight on a moments notice should the British invade their particular town. This is not true. In all actuality, the term “Minuteman” referred to the sexual performance of the American soldiers in the privacy of their own log cabin. Suffice to say that many settlers’ wives were left, uhmmm… unsatisfied. But this is a family show. For more information on the matter, call Dr. Ruth.
As George Washington marched his army to Valley Forge in the winter of 1777, he stopped to celebrate Thanksgiving with his troops in a large, open field. Never mind the fact that the army had nothing to eat and were freezing to death. Supposedly, there were huge stores of cranberries available, but the soldiers refused to eat them. “We’re not eating that crap. We’d rather eat our own shoes than stomach those sour little red berries.”
And so it was. That winter, the American troops literally ate the soles of their shoes to stay alive, and for several more years the Revolutionary War raged on. The French got involved and sided with the English. When the French realized they were losing the war, they changed their mind and fought side-by-side with the Americans. Some things never change. But the French did give us that really cool Statue of Liberty, even if it is made of copper and turned green.
The American soldiers practiced guerilla tactics in battle. They would hide behind trees, camouflaged by their ‘coon skin caps and take pot shots at the British troops. The British, on the other hand, wore bright red uniforms and marched in wide, slow lines, making easy targets of themselves. The British didn’t like the American tactics. Especially when they got shot. “You bunch of cheaters!” they would holler. And then the Americans would shoot them dead. Eventually, George Washington decided to get his portrait painted while crossing the Potomac River, which was a really stupid thing to do and doesn’t say a whole lot about the intelligence level of the Father of our Nation. However, that brave act was enough to convince the British troops that they didn’t want to mess with any lunatic who would stand up in the front of a small boat in total darkness, dodging raging river currents and ice flows, while some other ya-hoo in the boat next to him painted his picture. War is hell.
Anyway, the British gave up and went back to England to a nice warm meal of kippers (greasy fish) and eggs, while the American tradition of Thanksgiving continued to evolve. Sort of. The Great Marshmallow Famine, which lasted from 1800 until the early 1860’s, draped a large, dark cloud over the Thanksgiving holiday. Without marshmallows, most folks didn’t see any reason to have any sort of celebration. To make matters worse, there was a huge shortage of decorative crepe paper turkeys. The Thanksgiving holiday more or less disappeared, until Abraham Lincoln issued a Proclamation in 1863, giving thanks for “blessings of fruitful fields and healthful skies.” Then Lincoln got shot dead, and folks weren’t sure that Thanksgiving was such a good idea.
In October 1941, less than two short months before the total annihilation of Pearl Harbor by the Japanese, President Franklin D. Roosevelt decided that our nation just wasn’t thankful enough for the peace and prosperity bestowed upon it. He declared Thanksgiving to be a National Holiday. While the shrewd Japanese were deciding on a date for their sneak attack on America’s largest naval base, F.D.R. was wrestling with a good date for the Thanksgiving celebration. “Do we do the Thursday thing, or possibly make it a Saturday celebration, seeing as there are more football games on the weekend?” As the Japanese war machine ravaged its way across China and the Pacific Ocean, Congress intervened and decided that Thanksgiving was going to occur annually on the third Thursday of every November. For the first time in the history of Thanksgiving, all fifty states celebrated the feast on the same day, although the use of giblets in gravy was left to be an individual States decision.
So there you have it. The history of Thanksgiving, in a round-about fashion. Ironically, there probably were no turkeys, green beans or sweet potatoes served at the very first Thanksgiving dinner. Heck, there weren’t even any forks! However, the Pilgrims probably had an inordinate amount of zucchini’s, which actually may have been the catalyst for the Pilgrims Big Dinner. “Oh, isn’t this just great!” voiced a bunch of sarcastic Pilgrims. “The cursed zucchini have all ripened on the same day! Thanks a lot!” said all the disgruntled Pilgrims in unison. And although the first Thanksgiving may have included grilled zucchini, zucchini soup and a northern Italian version of Zucchini Alfredo, they didn’t dump one single zucchini into the bread.
Let us take a lesson from our forefathers. Is this a Great Nation, or what?
Thanksgiving will soon be here. This is the day we get to eat certain foods we normally wouldn’t touch with a ten foot pole, including giblet gravy (made with turkey stomachs and turkey necks) and sweet potatoes covered with melted marshmallows. Naturally, as dinner approaches, fourteen guests will show up with their own version of a green bean casserole covered with canned onion rings. They will all taste exactly alike. And there’s nothing that wets my appetite more than watching that slimy cranberry relish ooze out of the can and waddle around on the serving dish, as it’s discarded from guest to guest. Inevitably, someone will bring zucchini bread, which is bread made with… zucchini! Zucchini bread is an excuse to use up the proliferation of the vegetable which, inevitably, all ripens on the same day. While there are very few actual recipes for the cucumber-like gourd, the idea of hiding zucchini in bread as a means to get rid of the useless veggie is sheer genius. It rates right up there with dumping left-over carrots into the cake mix. But I digress.
How did the Thanksgiving holiday, which is so much a part of American society, originate? Well, it began when a bunch of Pilgrims left England on the good ship Mayflower, in search of zucchini bread and the freedom to practice the religion of their choosing. The ocean crossing was brutal. The weather started getting rough and the tiny ship was tossed. If not for the courage of the fearless crew, the Mayflower would be lost. The ship set ground on Plymouth Rock, which at the time, was an uncharted desert isle. The Professor, Mary Ann, Ginger, Skipper and the rest of the sea-sick Pilgrims were all very thankful they survived the arduous journey, so they decided to have a big feast. In the fall of 1621 the Pilgrims invited approximately ninety Wampanoag Indians over for a grill-out. The friendly Indians asked “What can we bring?” and showed up with enough venison and water foul to last for a three day bar-b-que. In return for the Indians’ unselfish generosity, the Pilgrims cut down all the trees, butchered most the buffalo and created the very first solid-waste landfill. This area is now known as Massachusetts.
Many Indians brought cranberries to the celebration. Not to eat, mind you, but as a form of beaded jewelry. The Indians had been using cranberries for decoration ever since they discovered the fruit made a more attractive necklace than turkey necks. Obviously, the Pilgrims were not paying attention, because Americans have spent the last three hundred years attempting to make an edible paste out of the red berries. After the celebration dinner ended, everyone smoked a peace pipe, got really stoned and held hands as they sang “Kum-Ba-Yah” around the campfire. Then, the Pilgrims made a bunch of funny looking paper hats and the Indians traced their hands with crayons and made colorful pictures of turkeys.
The next day, the Pilgrims shot all the Indians, seized their land and burned a bunch of their own folks at the stake. It seems that practicing religious freedom in the New World was acceptable, provided that the religion was Christianity. God Bless America.
A few years later, realizing they needed to join forces to protect their new-found interests, a group of four prominent Colonists got together and decided to declare their independence from England. The four men knew each other very well, having played in a band called “T.J. and the Four Fathers” back in Liverpool. The wealthy farmer and band leader by the name of Thomas Jefferson took charge, invited many distinguished men to an assembly hall and had the very first Battle of the Bands. Tom was an inspiration to all who attended the assembly. “For God’s sake, Ben, would you stop flying your stupid kite and help write the Declaration of Independence!?? Geez, man! Do something constructive!” said Tom, and so began the Revolutionary War.
When King George read the Declaration of Independence and got word that the Pilgrims had invented pumpkin pie, he sent a bunch of crack British soldiers to wipe out the newly formed colonies. As the Redcoats approached the shore, Paul Revere bravely rode through the newly established settlements, waving a lantern and shouting “Hide your pies! Hide your pies!”
The Settlers then established the “Minuteman”. A lot of people think that the Minutemen were brave volunteers prepared to fight on a moments notice should the British invade their particular town. This is not true. In all actuality, the term “Minuteman” referred to the sexual performance of the American soldiers in the privacy of their own log cabin. Suffice to say that many settlers’ wives were left, uhmmm… unsatisfied. But this is a family show. For more information on the matter, call Dr. Ruth.
As George Washington marched his army to Valley Forge in the winter of 1777, he stopped to celebrate Thanksgiving with his troops in a large, open field. Never mind the fact that the army had nothing to eat and were freezing to death. Supposedly, there were huge stores of cranberries available, but the soldiers refused to eat them. “We’re not eating that crap. We’d rather eat our own shoes than stomach those sour little red berries.”
And so it was. That winter, the American troops literally ate the soles of their shoes to stay alive, and for several more years the Revolutionary War raged on. The French got involved and sided with the English. When the French realized they were losing the war, they changed their mind and fought side-by-side with the Americans. Some things never change. But the French did give us that really cool Statue of Liberty, even if it is made of copper and turned green.
The American soldiers practiced guerilla tactics in battle. They would hide behind trees, camouflaged by their ‘coon skin caps and take pot shots at the British troops. The British, on the other hand, wore bright red uniforms and marched in wide, slow lines, making easy targets of themselves. The British didn’t like the American tactics. Especially when they got shot. “You bunch of cheaters!” they would holler. And then the Americans would shoot them dead. Eventually, George Washington decided to get his portrait painted while crossing the Potomac River, which was a really stupid thing to do and doesn’t say a whole lot about the intelligence level of the Father of our Nation. However, that brave act was enough to convince the British troops that they didn’t want to mess with any lunatic who would stand up in the front of a small boat in total darkness, dodging raging river currents and ice flows, while some other ya-hoo in the boat next to him painted his picture. War is hell.
Anyway, the British gave up and went back to England to a nice warm meal of kippers (greasy fish) and eggs, while the American tradition of Thanksgiving continued to evolve. Sort of. The Great Marshmallow Famine, which lasted from 1800 until the early 1860’s, draped a large, dark cloud over the Thanksgiving holiday. Without marshmallows, most folks didn’t see any reason to have any sort of celebration. To make matters worse, there was a huge shortage of decorative crepe paper turkeys. The Thanksgiving holiday more or less disappeared, until Abraham Lincoln issued a Proclamation in 1863, giving thanks for “blessings of fruitful fields and healthful skies.” Then Lincoln got shot dead, and folks weren’t sure that Thanksgiving was such a good idea.
In October 1941, less than two short months before the total annihilation of Pearl Harbor by the Japanese, President Franklin D. Roosevelt decided that our nation just wasn’t thankful enough for the peace and prosperity bestowed upon it. He declared Thanksgiving to be a National Holiday. While the shrewd Japanese were deciding on a date for their sneak attack on America’s largest naval base, F.D.R. was wrestling with a good date for the Thanksgiving celebration. “Do we do the Thursday thing, or possibly make it a Saturday celebration, seeing as there are more football games on the weekend?” As the Japanese war machine ravaged its way across China and the Pacific Ocean, Congress intervened and decided that Thanksgiving was going to occur annually on the third Thursday of every November. For the first time in the history of Thanksgiving, all fifty states celebrated the feast on the same day, although the use of giblets in gravy was left to be an individual States decision.
So there you have it. The history of Thanksgiving, in a round-about fashion. Ironically, there probably were no turkeys, green beans or sweet potatoes served at the very first Thanksgiving dinner. Heck, there weren’t even any forks! However, the Pilgrims probably had an inordinate amount of zucchini’s, which actually may have been the catalyst for the Pilgrims Big Dinner. “Oh, isn’t this just great!” voiced a bunch of sarcastic Pilgrims. “The cursed zucchini have all ripened on the same day! Thanks a lot!” said all the disgruntled Pilgrims in unison. And although the first Thanksgiving may have included grilled zucchini, zucchini soup and a northern Italian version of Zucchini Alfredo, they didn’t dump one single zucchini into the bread.
Let us take a lesson from our forefathers. Is this a Great Nation, or what?